What's your natural Communication Style?

You communicate in your own particular way - we all do. Over the years you've developed your own natural communication style. To feel confident and in control, it helps if you are aware of this style. 

People with good communication skills know what's good and what's bad about their communication style; in other words, they know their strengths and weaknesses in terms of how they communicate.

Some people like to be the centre of attention and to talk, others prefer to watch from the sidelines and to listen. Decisions such as these are determined both consciously and subconsciously through your natural communication style. This style is your own personal way of communicating, the way you come across when you don't consciously think about it. It will suit certain situations but not others. That's why it's so important to get to the bottom of it ....

Otherwise, there's a good chance that, just by being your normal self and communicating in your natural way, without even realising it, you'll;

• Make someone feel uncomfortable.
• Distract them from your message.
• Appear rude to them.
• Appear boring and disinterested.
• Look like a person who lacks confidence.

Once you know your natural style, you can make sure these negative perceptions don't arise. 

The secret is to think about adapting your communication style when you find yourself in a situation it doesn't suit. That's exactly what people with good communication skills do.

In fact, this is one of the main reasons why people lack self-confidence and self-belief; they don't know when or how to adapt their communication style.

Before you can work out how to adapt your style, you need to establish what type of communication style you have. You need to know if it's helping you or hindering you in relation to effective communication skills. Most people think 'communication' is merely about talking. It's not though; talking is just one element of what it means to communicate. 

Try thinking more widely about the concept of communication. For example, have you ever considered that how you say something might be just as important as what you say?

There are numerous models and theories that can help to identify your personal communication style. There are also a variety of communication tests you can take.  Try my free communication style test http://www.think-confidence.com/registercs.html. 

Don't worry, it's not a complicated psychometric test - in fact it's not even a 'test' as such; it's a straight forward multiple choice communication questionnaire. In short, it's a simple way of improving your communication skills by working out your natural communication style.

Loads of people complete the questionnaire online every day. Tell me what you think of it! 

Mike

Have you struggled to keep a conversation going recently?

Keeping a conversation going requires skills in speaking and listening.

The common mistake most people make is to think that the onus is on them to do all the talking. Not so – in fact the key to keeping a conversation going is not talking but listening.

So don’t worry so much about what you’re going to say next; try paying more attention to what the other person is saying and then feed off it. In other words listen and then respond to what the other person is saying. Don't make the assumption that the onus is all on you.

Think about it ..... If you listen, you shouldn’t have to worry anymore about coming up with something to talk about. Just concentrate on what the other person's talking about and you’ve got a ready made topic without even having to think about it.

Listening comes naturally to some people but not to others; it helps of course if you're interested in what the other person is saying.  Don’t assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, turn your perceptions into questions. That way, you can make sure there’s no risk of misunderstandings, you show you're interested in what the person is saying and ... you keep the conversation going. So if you listen, you can take your cues from the other person.

Here are a few more tips on keeping a conversation going;
Ask thoughtful questions rather than questions that require “Yes” or “No” answers. Everyone loves to talk about themselves and their interests. Look for clues about the person and comment on them. For example, if the person’s carrying a book, ask what they’re reading.

If you know you’re going to be meeting someone for the first time (particularly in work situations), do some research so that you've got some background on the person. You might not have to use it but it might well come in handy in terms of what you’ve got in common. For example if you've discovered through linkedin say that one of the person’s hobbies is skiing, then you might well be able to’manufacture’ an opportunity to raise the subject ... then hopefully the person will show an interest and the conversation starts to flow.

On the other hand you might discover some useful work-related background information that comes in handy during the conversation. So, if you’ve worked out that you and the person have something in common, try to work those things into the conversation.

Use your body language too -
Make eye contact to show your interested. Good eye contact is the key to conveying interest, concern, warmth and credibility. Bad eye contact does exactly the opposite and can be hard to retrieve.

Smiling also helps. A simple smile is a powerful cue that transmits friendliness, warmth, and approachability.

Use gestures such as head nods to show the person you’re listening. and get your posture right; for example, slouching might not send the right message.

Just what is 'Charisma' - and how do you get it?

Why is it that some people just seem to stand out? What is it about these people that leads us to describe them as ‘charismatic’? And just what do we mean by that?

In other words … what is ‘charisma’?

It seems to be a bit of an enigma. It’s a concept we struggle to define for two reasons. Firstly, because we tend not to take the time to think about what we mean by it … when we see someone with ‘charisma’, we register it but don’t ask ourselves why we’re thinking it. And secondly, put simply - it’s a genuinely difficult concept to define.

One thing is certain though – we’d all like to have it.

So, how can you get it?

When I ask people to sum up ‘charisma’, I think the words that hit the mark best are ‘personal magnetism’ and ‘charm’. For me, they sum it up nicely; but still, even these words don’t help to explain what a charismatic person is doing to be described as such. For this, we need to dig deeper.

Having studied charismatic people carefully, it seems that they all have certain characteristics in common.

Despite the strong emotions they often induce in others, charismatic individuals project calmness, self-confidence, assertiveness, honesty, authenticity, enthusiasm and, almost always, they have excellent communication skills. These traits are supported by positive body language transmitted through their posture, facial expressions, eye contact and hand movements.

Using positive body language, communicating clearly and confidently and being passionate about your views helps you to command a presence. This draws people to you and makes them want to listen.
It’s impossible to give detailed advice in just one blog about how to be ‘charismatic’ but hopefully I’ve been able to stimulate your thoughts and give you something to reflect on.
Here are a couple more short and sharp tips -

Ø      Be genuine and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. People will respect you for it.

Ø      Think before you speak. Silence is fine when you have nothing to say.

Ø      Treat people with respect and make time to listen to their point of view.

Ø      Smile; charismatic people do this naturally.

Ø      Remember names and use them.

Ø      Show energy and enthusiasm, even when you’re not actually interested or you’re tired.

Ø      Be positive, even when the chips are down.

Ø      Support your message with positive body language. Command a presence.

Ø      Prepare properly; psyche yourself up before you next need to display charisma.

Top tip -

The next time you see someone with ‘charisma’, stop and think for a moment. Watch the person and try to get to the bottom of what they’re doing. I do this every time I see charisma … and it works. Once you know the characteristics, you can strive to copy them in your own behaviour.

Fact - Very few ‘charismatic’ people are naturally charismatic without having to try. The vast majority are just very good actors. They know how to play the part.

How do others perceive you?

How Do Other People Perceive You?

Have you ever thought about how people perceive you? I mean seriously thought about it? It's true that we all wonder what people think of us every now and then. But it's also true that we tend to wonder this through curiosity rather than for any constructive reason.

Getting to the bottom of how people perceive you is one of the essential elements of understanding how you come across to them. Once you know this, you can start to think about adapting your behaviour so that their perception of you is what you want it to be. 

To feel confident and come across assertively, you need to know how you look and sound; you need to know how you come across. You need to know how to control peoples' perceptions of you.

So - Does it really matter what others think of you?

'Who cares what people think of me!' - These might sound like the words of a confident person and to an extent the person is right to think like that. It's true that confident people don't worry as much as others might about what people think of them and how they come across. It's fine to think like this and be independent-minded but it's dangerous to discount other peoples' perceptions of you completely.

People who disregard others' perceptions of them are missing a trick. It really does matter what people think and how they perceive you - but it shouldn't be the be all and end all. The reality of life is that most people can't help but be affected by other peoples' impressions of them and therefore how people react to them. This in fact is a positive thing if considered constructively. 

The important point to remember is that if you can control others' perceptions of you, you can control how they react to you.

 

Consider also that the way other people perceive you may be very different to your self -perception. In fact, it's often the case that your self-perception can differ quite radically to the perception others have of you. In some cases it's quite striking because a person's self-perception is that they lack confidence but the perception of others is that they are confident.

There are numerous personality tests and questionnaires about self-esteem and self-confidence you can complete to help clarify whether your self-perception matches the perception others have of you.

http://www.think-confidence.com/ has 3 free questionnaires; communication style, conflict style and the Reality Check (this is an questionnaire that others complete on you anonymously - you'll have no doubt about whether your self-perception is the same as others' perception of you once they've completed the Reality Check).

Good Luck! It would be great to find out how you get on ...

Mike

It's all in the smile

It’s amazing what a difference a smile can make. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. Well, it’s true, very true; and it can make a huge difference to the way you feel, particularly when you’re under pressure or lacking confidence. The trouble is, some people smile naturally and some don't. How about you?

It might sound daft but it’s also true that you get the same benefits when you actually force yourself to smile as you do when you smile naturally. 

Studies have proved that facial expressions linked to an emotion trigger changes in your body that are similar to those that happen when you experience the actual emotion.

So, if you’re a naturally smiley and happy person, don’t change … and if you’re not, it is worth making the effort to smile more.

But WHY? What are the real benefits of smiling?

Your mood improves

It’s a fact that the physical act of smiling improves your mood and the way you feel. Smiling actually makes you feel happier. Even a ‘fake’ smile will do this. That’s because your brain can’t tell the difference between a posed smile and a genuine smile. If you don’t believe me – try it and you’ll see what I mean.

You feel less stressed

Smiling can stop stress from increasing and can actually help to reduce it. The act of smiling starts a chain reaction; it causes your brain to stimulate your body to release endorphins and serotonin. These help to combat feelings of stress and to make you feel calmer and more in control. One obvious sign of this can be a reduction in your pulse rate. Try taking your pulse before and after smiling for a few moments and you’ll see what I mean.

Your immune system is boosted

People who smile naturally and regularly tend to be more optimistic in their approach to life. Some researchers even believe that this can lead to a stronger immune system and an ability to fight off illness better than pessimists.

Christopher Peterson, Ph.D, a University of Michigan professor who’s been studying optimism’s link to health for over two decades, firmly believes that the research is very clear. There is a link between optimistic attitudes and good health. In studies he found that optimistic people are healthier because their biological makeup is different. As a direct result, they have a more robust immune system.

You look more confident and in control

We tend not to smile when we feel uncomfortable or under pressure … people notice this and draw their own conclusions. If two people are giving a presentation and one smiles regularly but not the other, it’s more likely that you’ll perceive the smiler to be the more confident of the two. That’s a fact. So if you want to give the very best confident impression in a meeting or during a presentation, make sure you smile.

Smiling not only benefits you in these ways, but it also benefits those around you.

People instinctively react to seeing a smile by smiling themselves. Watch people interacting and you’ll see this happening. So if you want to inject some positivety into a group situation or meeting, try smiling more while you’re speaking. Feeling good is infectious, so smile more and others will catch it.

Mike

Can you think on your feet?

Giving yourself time is always going to help if someone puts you on the spot. However, the reality is that, on some occasions, no matter how hard you try, you have no choice but to answer there and then.

Self-confidence is key when learning to think on your feet. Build that confidence by following these simple rules;

Knowledge - If you're going to give a reply, make sure you know what you're talking about! That doesn't mean you have to be an expert, you just have to know enough to give a qualified answer. If you're reasonably confident in your knowledge of the subject, that confidence will help you to stay calm and in control even if you unexpectedly find yourself being put on the spot.

Never guess the answer - If you don't know the answer, be honest and say so. Even experts in their field are stumped by a question sometimes. Don't try to make an answer up. There's a good chance you'll get caught out and this could seriously impact on your self-confidence later. Confidently explain that you don't know the answer and make sure you agree a time when you can contact the person subsequently to provide the answer.

Try to relax - it's easy to say but perhaps not so easy to do. At least if you try to relax, you've got a chance. If you don't, you'll look and feel more stressed. You'll have more control of your voice, you'll feel calmer and you'll be able to think more clearly. Taking deep breaths while the person is asking you the question can also really help here.

Listen carefully - listening properly and attentively requires an effort. Some people forget this. You should be trying as hard when you're listening as you are when you're talking. It's obvious that you'll struggle to think on your feet if you aren't listening properly to the question. 

Don't interrupt the person; firstly because it's rude and secondly because, if you reply too soon, you may well give a wrong or inappropriate answer.

Ask the person to repeat the question - This gives you those vital few seconds to think about your response. Try to be confident when you do this. Don't let your body language give away the fact that you're unsure of the answer. If your body language is positive and confident, the person will 'read' your request positively, i.e. they'll have the perception that you want to help by making sure you understand the question properly.

Repeat the question yourself (out loud) - This gives you time to think and to clarify exactly what's being asked. Sometimes the person will reply and clarify their question after you've repeated it - that creates even more time for you. If you don't feel that the question is clear, have the confidence to ask for clarification. Again, if you do this confidently, it will be received positively because the person sees that you genuinely want to give a qualified answer.

Pause - Don't be afraid to pause before you answer. People who lack confidence really struggle to cope with silence. They feel exposed and their natural defence is to fill it - normally without thinking about how they're filling it. Then, before they know it, they've said something they wished they hadn't. Confident people can use silence to their advantage. If you think about it - it's totally understandable that you should think about your answer before you give it; so a short silence shouldn't be unusual. If you look comfortable with silence and use it confidently, you'll send the message that you're in control of your thoughts and confident in your ability to answer. Critically of course, you also create more time to think.

Don't waffle - Once you understand the question clearly, make sure you stick to the point. Your answer should be specific and focused. If you're perceived as a waffler, the person may well start to lose interest - once you see this happening, your self-confidence is going to suffer. When you've finished giving your answer, resist the temptation to add more information. There may well be a silence after you've finished. Don't make the common mistake of feeling the onus is on you to fill it with more information! You'll lose control of the conversation if your answer starts to drift.

So, in summary; don't jump in and give a knee-jerk reaction when someone puts you on the spot. Act calmly and take your time before you answer. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't know, as long as you go back to them with an answer later.

Good Luck!
Mike

Do you sometimes feel inferior to others?

I find that one of the main reasons people feel inferior and lack self-confidence is that they see around them a completely different world to the real one. They see the world as a place where everyone else is superior to them. They make the assumption that other people have more authority than them and that others' rights prevail above theirs.

It may well be the case that some people are more 'senior' to you in terms of position or rank. However, this does not mean that they are 'superior' to you in the sense that their rights and needs are more important.

Confident people don't think like this - they treat everyone the same, regardless of rank or seniority. Of course, they show the appropriate degree of respect to seniors but they don't change their behaviour. People who feel inferior tend to lose sight of this. They forget that senior people have no 'rights' over you, even though, particularly in a work environment, they may have a degree of 'power' over you in terms of your role and responsibilities.

So, try to remember that you are on a par with everyone else. Be professional and polite and try to treat everyone the same. Approach a senior person with the confidence you would approach a peer.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're thinking that's easier said than done - After all, it's natural to feel a little daunted by the prospect of treating people who are senior to you as equals. It's actually not that difficult - but it does require mental preparation. 

The following exercise should help -

Try to think forward to the next time you might find yourself working or socialising with a group of people, some of whom are senior in some respect to you. Prepare yourself to treat them differently to the way you might normally; whereas you used to treat them according to your perception of their authority in relation to you, now you will treat each of them as an equal. You will do this for everyone, even the people who are more 'senior' to you in terms of position. Don't worry; this won't be a problem as long as you're polite and respectful at all times.

You'll need to prepare before it happens though. Spend a few minutes on your own thinking about your approach; try to psyche yourself up, just like you would before a sporting match or competition. See it as a challenge.

You'll be amazed at how this simple concept can transform your sense of inferiority into a feeling of equality. You'll also be pleasantly surprised at the more positive way people respond to you, even the more senior people, perhaps even the top dogs!



In another situation I've experienced, the inferiority issue was ugliness. I was coaching a person who thought she was ugly. Over the years, more and more, she'd managed to convince herself that she was ugly. Because she was so set in her mind regarding her self-perception, she then made the assumption that peoples' behaviour towards her always suggested that they thought she was ugly (when in fact they weren't thinking anything of the kind).

The ridiculous thing was that to me, she seemed very attractive! I had to be careful how I told her this though!

Good Luck!
Have a good week.
Mike