Here are a few pretty punchy tips to help you to feel and come across more confidently ... Good Luck!

1. Know what you look like
Find out how people perceive you ... if you look as though you lack confidence, then people will treat you as though you do. In other words, you're already on the back foot and it'll be a lot harder to get people to listen to you.

2. Sort out your body language
Like it or not, people suss you out quickly, mostly by taking in your body language and sound. So get yourself in front of a mirror and be honest with yourself. Do you look confident? If not, why not? Then practise looking confident. Look at your posture, your facial expression, your clothing ... Sounds mad but it works.

3. Don't say sorry
Are you a serial sorry sayer? A lot of people who lack confidence are. They apologise for everything. Well don't. Only apologise if your actions warrant an apology. Some people prefix everything they say with a 'sorry'. This is completely unnecessary and suggests you doubt yourself. You might as well hang a sign around your neck saying 'I lack confidence'.

4. Remember you're not unusual
Realise that you're not unusual. Even truly confident people have their ups and downs. They accept this as part of life. An embarrassing situation is an embarrassing situation .. so what? It happened, there's nothing you can change about it. So learn from it and move on.

5. Be realistic
Accept that you're not unlucky. No one was born confident. Confidence is a skill you  can actually learn. Accept this and start to learn. Just like any other skill, it requires practice and self-discipline to get good at it. We can all do it as long as we accept the challenge.

6. Think positively
Understand your mindset. Be honest with yourself ... are you a positive or negative thinker? Are you a pessimist or an optimist? This is important. It's impossible to feel and look confident if you approach life negatively. A problem is a challenge, a mistake is a lesson to be learnt, a failure is a fact of life.

7. Know where you're going
You'll achieve little, if nothing if you don't have a focus. So work out what you want to achieve, both at home and at work and write down a plan. Think strategically (say over 2 years) and more tactically (say 6 months). One leads on from the other - think strategically first and then decide what you need to do tactically to achieve this.

8. Be happy
Think carefully about what makes you happy and get some of it. Confident people tend to be happy people - just watch them and you'll see. That's because they've found a balance between the things they have to do and the things like doing. They're also realists. They accept that life is life and there are some things that just have to be done but they don't let these bog them down.

9. Smile more
Sounds mad but it's true. Smiling really does help you to feel and look more confident. Someone who walks into a room smiling looks confident. It's a fact. It's also true that smiling actually makes you feel happier. It releases endorphins into your system. This even happens when you make yourself smile ... So it's worth the effort.

10. Control your emotions
Control your emotions but don't stifle them. Think about how you let them out. Don't make a fool of yourself. Take a deep breath, maybe a few minutes too and then explain your feelings in a controlled way. Confident people have the self-control to do this.

What's your natural Communication Style?

You communicate in your own particular way - we all do. Over the years you've developed your own natural communication style. To feel confident and in control, it helps if you are aware of this style. 

People with good communication skills know what's good and what's bad about their communication style; in other words, they know their strengths and weaknesses in terms of how they communicate.

Some people like to be the centre of attention and to talk, others prefer to watch from the sidelines and to listen. Decisions such as these are determined both consciously and subconsciously through your natural communication style. This style is your own personal way of communicating, the way you come across when you don't consciously think about it. It will suit certain situations but not others. That's why it's so important to get to the bottom of it ....

Otherwise, there's a good chance that, just by being your normal self and communicating in your natural way, without even realising it, you'll;

• Make someone feel uncomfortable.
• Distract them from your message.
• Appear rude to them.
• Appear boring and disinterested.
• Look like a person who lacks confidence.

Once you know your natural style, you can make sure these negative perceptions don't arise. 

The secret is to think about adapting your communication style when you find yourself in a situation it doesn't suit. That's exactly what people with good communication skills do.

In fact, this is one of the main reasons why people lack self-confidence and self-belief; they don't know when or how to adapt their communication style.

Before you can work out how to adapt your style, you need to establish what type of communication style you have. You need to know if it's helping you or hindering you in relation to effective communication skills. Most people think 'communication' is merely about talking. It's not though; talking is just one element of what it means to communicate. 

Try thinking more widely about the concept of communication. For example, have you ever considered that how you say something might be just as important as what you say?

There are numerous models and theories that can help to identify your personal communication style. There are also a variety of communication tests you can take.  Try my free communication style test http://www.think-confidence.com/registercs.html. 

Don't worry, it's not a complicated psychometric test - in fact it's not even a 'test' as such; it's a straight forward multiple choice communication questionnaire. In short, it's a simple way of improving your communication skills by working out your natural communication style.

Loads of people complete the questionnaire online every day. Tell me what you think of it! 

Mike

It's all in the smile

It’s amazing what a difference a smile can make. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. Well, it’s true, very true; and it can make a huge difference to the way you feel, particularly when you’re under pressure or lacking confidence. The trouble is, some people smile naturally and some don't. How about you?

It might sound daft but it’s also true that you get the same benefits when you actually force yourself to smile as you do when you smile naturally. 

Studies have proved that facial expressions linked to an emotion trigger changes in your body that are similar to those that happen when you experience the actual emotion.

So, if you’re a naturally smiley and happy person, don’t change … and if you’re not, it is worth making the effort to smile more.

But WHY? What are the real benefits of smiling?

Your mood improves

It’s a fact that the physical act of smiling improves your mood and the way you feel. Smiling actually makes you feel happier. Even a ‘fake’ smile will do this. That’s because your brain can’t tell the difference between a posed smile and a genuine smile. If you don’t believe me – try it and you’ll see what I mean.

You feel less stressed

Smiling can stop stress from increasing and can actually help to reduce it. The act of smiling starts a chain reaction; it causes your brain to stimulate your body to release endorphins and serotonin. These help to combat feelings of stress and to make you feel calmer and more in control. One obvious sign of this can be a reduction in your pulse rate. Try taking your pulse before and after smiling for a few moments and you’ll see what I mean.

Your immune system is boosted

People who smile naturally and regularly tend to be more optimistic in their approach to life. Some researchers even believe that this can lead to a stronger immune system and an ability to fight off illness better than pessimists.

Christopher Peterson, Ph.D, a University of Michigan professor who’s been studying optimism’s link to health for over two decades, firmly believes that the research is very clear. There is a link between optimistic attitudes and good health. In studies he found that optimistic people are healthier because their biological makeup is different. As a direct result, they have a more robust immune system.

You look more confident and in control

We tend not to smile when we feel uncomfortable or under pressure … people notice this and draw their own conclusions. If two people are giving a presentation and one smiles regularly but not the other, it’s more likely that you’ll perceive the smiler to be the more confident of the two. That’s a fact. So if you want to give the very best confident impression in a meeting or during a presentation, make sure you smile.

Smiling not only benefits you in these ways, but it also benefits those around you.

People instinctively react to seeing a smile by smiling themselves. Watch people interacting and you’ll see this happening. So if you want to inject some positivety into a group situation or meeting, try smiling more while you’re speaking. Feeling good is infectious, so smile more and others will catch it.

Mike

Can you think on your feet?

Giving yourself time is always going to help if someone puts you on the spot. However, the reality is that, on some occasions, no matter how hard you try, you have no choice but to answer there and then.

Self-confidence is key when learning to think on your feet. Build that confidence by following these simple rules;

Knowledge - If you're going to give a reply, make sure you know what you're talking about! That doesn't mean you have to be an expert, you just have to know enough to give a qualified answer. If you're reasonably confident in your knowledge of the subject, that confidence will help you to stay calm and in control even if you unexpectedly find yourself being put on the spot.

Never guess the answer - If you don't know the answer, be honest and say so. Even experts in their field are stumped by a question sometimes. Don't try to make an answer up. There's a good chance you'll get caught out and this could seriously impact on your self-confidence later. Confidently explain that you don't know the answer and make sure you agree a time when you can contact the person subsequently to provide the answer.

Try to relax - it's easy to say but perhaps not so easy to do. At least if you try to relax, you've got a chance. If you don't, you'll look and feel more stressed. You'll have more control of your voice, you'll feel calmer and you'll be able to think more clearly. Taking deep breaths while the person is asking you the question can also really help here.

Listen carefully - listening properly and attentively requires an effort. Some people forget this. You should be trying as hard when you're listening as you are when you're talking. It's obvious that you'll struggle to think on your feet if you aren't listening properly to the question. 

Don't interrupt the person; firstly because it's rude and secondly because, if you reply too soon, you may well give a wrong or inappropriate answer.

Ask the person to repeat the question - This gives you those vital few seconds to think about your response. Try to be confident when you do this. Don't let your body language give away the fact that you're unsure of the answer. If your body language is positive and confident, the person will 'read' your request positively, i.e. they'll have the perception that you want to help by making sure you understand the question properly.

Repeat the question yourself (out loud) - This gives you time to think and to clarify exactly what's being asked. Sometimes the person will reply and clarify their question after you've repeated it - that creates even more time for you. If you don't feel that the question is clear, have the confidence to ask for clarification. Again, if you do this confidently, it will be received positively because the person sees that you genuinely want to give a qualified answer.

Pause - Don't be afraid to pause before you answer. People who lack confidence really struggle to cope with silence. They feel exposed and their natural defence is to fill it - normally without thinking about how they're filling it. Then, before they know it, they've said something they wished they hadn't. Confident people can use silence to their advantage. If you think about it - it's totally understandable that you should think about your answer before you give it; so a short silence shouldn't be unusual. If you look comfortable with silence and use it confidently, you'll send the message that you're in control of your thoughts and confident in your ability to answer. Critically of course, you also create more time to think.

Don't waffle - Once you understand the question clearly, make sure you stick to the point. Your answer should be specific and focused. If you're perceived as a waffler, the person may well start to lose interest - once you see this happening, your self-confidence is going to suffer. When you've finished giving your answer, resist the temptation to add more information. There may well be a silence after you've finished. Don't make the common mistake of feeling the onus is on you to fill it with more information! You'll lose control of the conversation if your answer starts to drift.

So, in summary; don't jump in and give a knee-jerk reaction when someone puts you on the spot. Act calmly and take your time before you answer. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't know, as long as you go back to them with an answer later.

Good Luck!
Mike

Do you sometimes feel inferior to others?

I find that one of the main reasons people feel inferior and lack self-confidence is that they see around them a completely different world to the real one. They see the world as a place where everyone else is superior to them. They make the assumption that other people have more authority than them and that others' rights prevail above theirs.

It may well be the case that some people are more 'senior' to you in terms of position or rank. However, this does not mean that they are 'superior' to you in the sense that their rights and needs are more important.

Confident people don't think like this - they treat everyone the same, regardless of rank or seniority. Of course, they show the appropriate degree of respect to seniors but they don't change their behaviour. People who feel inferior tend to lose sight of this. They forget that senior people have no 'rights' over you, even though, particularly in a work environment, they may have a degree of 'power' over you in terms of your role and responsibilities.

So, try to remember that you are on a par with everyone else. Be professional and polite and try to treat everyone the same. Approach a senior person with the confidence you would approach a peer.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're thinking that's easier said than done - After all, it's natural to feel a little daunted by the prospect of treating people who are senior to you as equals. It's actually not that difficult - but it does require mental preparation. 

The following exercise should help -

Try to think forward to the next time you might find yourself working or socialising with a group of people, some of whom are senior in some respect to you. Prepare yourself to treat them differently to the way you might normally; whereas you used to treat them according to your perception of their authority in relation to you, now you will treat each of them as an equal. You will do this for everyone, even the people who are more 'senior' to you in terms of position. Don't worry; this won't be a problem as long as you're polite and respectful at all times.

You'll need to prepare before it happens though. Spend a few minutes on your own thinking about your approach; try to psyche yourself up, just like you would before a sporting match or competition. See it as a challenge.

You'll be amazed at how this simple concept can transform your sense of inferiority into a feeling of equality. You'll also be pleasantly surprised at the more positive way people respond to you, even the more senior people, perhaps even the top dogs!



In another situation I've experienced, the inferiority issue was ugliness. I was coaching a person who thought she was ugly. Over the years, more and more, she'd managed to convince herself that she was ugly. Because she was so set in her mind regarding her self-perception, she then made the assumption that peoples' behaviour towards her always suggested that they thought she was ugly (when in fact they weren't thinking anything of the kind).

The ridiculous thing was that to me, she seemed very attractive! I had to be careful how I told her this though!

Good Luck!
Have a good week.
Mike

How strong is your urge?

How strong is your urge to be more Confident?

If you’re reading this particular blog post, you might well have read some of my others too … I hope you find them useful. Hopefully they’re making a difference for you. I do find though that sometimes its worth just taking stock every now and again! Some people do struggle to take the leap of faith required to get started … so -

Here’s something to mull over - If you really want to feel more confident and come across to people with more confidence, there are two questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you really want to change?

2. Are you prepared to accept that you'll need to do some things differently from now on?

Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. They could be the difference between success and failure on your road to increased self-confidence.

You might be slightly unsure, particular with regard to the second question - after all you don't yet know what the change involves. Don't worry about that for the moment - right now it's just important you realise that feeling and coming across more confidently will definitely mean doing some things differently. You'll need to accept that this might be difficult. You'll probably have to break some habits, possibly habits of a lifetime. No one ever finds this easy.

But don't get the wrong idea here. Don't start getting depressed! These comments are designed to prepare you for the challenge ahead. 'Challenge' is a very appropriate word for this. You should see your endeavours to build your confidence as exactly that - a challenge.

Try to think of your journey to greater confidence as a personal project; your 'Confidence Project'.

As with all projects it will only succeed if it is planned and prepared for thoroughly. The project needs to have a clear objective which is measurable - i.e. 'to achieve something by a certain date.' It helps to start thinking like this. For example - your strategic, long term objective is to build your self-confidence. You've probably already worked that out. But have your thought about how that new self-confidence is going to show itself? Have you thought about what you're going to do with it once you have it? If you haven't, you're missing a trick.

After all - it would be daft to pass your driving test with flying colours and then get in your car with no idea of where you're going!

You'll need to break down your strategic objective into smaller chunks. Each of these chunks should have its own more tactical goals. Accepting your personal confidence challenge becomes a lot easier if you take small steps at a time.

So, if you approach your Confidence Project on an incremental basis, the whole challenge will feel more manageable. This process will really help you to achieve your ultimate objective. Once you get the hang of it, you'll see how helpful the process is. It makes you act.

Mike