Have you struggled to keep a conversation going recently?

Keeping a conversation going requires skills in speaking and listening.

The common mistake most people make is to think that the onus is on them to do all the talking. Not so – in fact the key to keeping a conversation going is not talking but listening.

So don’t worry so much about what you’re going to say next; try paying more attention to what the other person is saying and then feed off it. In other words listen and then respond to what the other person is saying. Don't make the assumption that the onus is all on you.

Think about it ..... If you listen, you shouldn’t have to worry anymore about coming up with something to talk about. Just concentrate on what the other person's talking about and you’ve got a ready made topic without even having to think about it.

Listening comes naturally to some people but not to others; it helps of course if you're interested in what the other person is saying.  Don’t assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, turn your perceptions into questions. That way, you can make sure there’s no risk of misunderstandings, you show you're interested in what the person is saying and ... you keep the conversation going. So if you listen, you can take your cues from the other person.

Here are a few more tips on keeping a conversation going;
Ask thoughtful questions rather than questions that require “Yes” or “No” answers. Everyone loves to talk about themselves and their interests. Look for clues about the person and comment on them. For example, if the person’s carrying a book, ask what they’re reading.

If you know you’re going to be meeting someone for the first time (particularly in work situations), do some research so that you've got some background on the person. You might not have to use it but it might well come in handy in terms of what you’ve got in common. For example if you've discovered through linkedin say that one of the person’s hobbies is skiing, then you might well be able to’manufacture’ an opportunity to raise the subject ... then hopefully the person will show an interest and the conversation starts to flow.

On the other hand you might discover some useful work-related background information that comes in handy during the conversation. So, if you’ve worked out that you and the person have something in common, try to work those things into the conversation.

Use your body language too -
Make eye contact to show your interested. Good eye contact is the key to conveying interest, concern, warmth and credibility. Bad eye contact does exactly the opposite and can be hard to retrieve.

Smiling also helps. A simple smile is a powerful cue that transmits friendliness, warmth, and approachability.

Use gestures such as head nods to show the person you’re listening. and get your posture right; for example, slouching might not send the right message.

Can you think on your feet?

Giving yourself time is always going to help if someone puts you on the spot. However, the reality is that, on some occasions, no matter how hard you try, you have no choice but to answer there and then.

Self-confidence is key when learning to think on your feet. Build that confidence by following these simple rules;

Knowledge - If you're going to give a reply, make sure you know what you're talking about! That doesn't mean you have to be an expert, you just have to know enough to give a qualified answer. If you're reasonably confident in your knowledge of the subject, that confidence will help you to stay calm and in control even if you unexpectedly find yourself being put on the spot.

Never guess the answer - If you don't know the answer, be honest and say so. Even experts in their field are stumped by a question sometimes. Don't try to make an answer up. There's a good chance you'll get caught out and this could seriously impact on your self-confidence later. Confidently explain that you don't know the answer and make sure you agree a time when you can contact the person subsequently to provide the answer.

Try to relax - it's easy to say but perhaps not so easy to do. At least if you try to relax, you've got a chance. If you don't, you'll look and feel more stressed. You'll have more control of your voice, you'll feel calmer and you'll be able to think more clearly. Taking deep breaths while the person is asking you the question can also really help here.

Listen carefully - listening properly and attentively requires an effort. Some people forget this. You should be trying as hard when you're listening as you are when you're talking. It's obvious that you'll struggle to think on your feet if you aren't listening properly to the question. 

Don't interrupt the person; firstly because it's rude and secondly because, if you reply too soon, you may well give a wrong or inappropriate answer.

Ask the person to repeat the question - This gives you those vital few seconds to think about your response. Try to be confident when you do this. Don't let your body language give away the fact that you're unsure of the answer. If your body language is positive and confident, the person will 'read' your request positively, i.e. they'll have the perception that you want to help by making sure you understand the question properly.

Repeat the question yourself (out loud) - This gives you time to think and to clarify exactly what's being asked. Sometimes the person will reply and clarify their question after you've repeated it - that creates even more time for you. If you don't feel that the question is clear, have the confidence to ask for clarification. Again, if you do this confidently, it will be received positively because the person sees that you genuinely want to give a qualified answer.

Pause - Don't be afraid to pause before you answer. People who lack confidence really struggle to cope with silence. They feel exposed and their natural defence is to fill it - normally without thinking about how they're filling it. Then, before they know it, they've said something they wished they hadn't. Confident people can use silence to their advantage. If you think about it - it's totally understandable that you should think about your answer before you give it; so a short silence shouldn't be unusual. If you look comfortable with silence and use it confidently, you'll send the message that you're in control of your thoughts and confident in your ability to answer. Critically of course, you also create more time to think.

Don't waffle - Once you understand the question clearly, make sure you stick to the point. Your answer should be specific and focused. If you're perceived as a waffler, the person may well start to lose interest - once you see this happening, your self-confidence is going to suffer. When you've finished giving your answer, resist the temptation to add more information. There may well be a silence after you've finished. Don't make the common mistake of feeling the onus is on you to fill it with more information! You'll lose control of the conversation if your answer starts to drift.

So, in summary; don't jump in and give a knee-jerk reaction when someone puts you on the spot. Act calmly and take your time before you answer. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't know, as long as you go back to them with an answer later.

Good Luck!
Mike