Are you a "Yes" person or can you say "No!"

The key to saying no is to be able to say no without saying no! Believe it or not it is possible to say no without actually saying no. People who are good at saying no can do it without feeling guilty. They don't let their heart rule their mind.

People who lack self-confidence find themselves continually under pressure because they accommodate others and say yes whenever a request is made of them. They might be lovely helpful people but the bottom line is that they can be terribly inefficient simply because they just can't say no to someone. The difficulty is that once you're seen by others as a 'Yes person', you become a magnet for them. They'll turn to you first when they need something done. You then end up doing other peoples' jobs, not your own, simply because you couldn't say no.

Think of people you know who have the confidence to say no when appropriate. The term 'when appropriate' is important here - you're thinking of people who have achieved the right balance i.e. people who say yes when they think it's right to do so, but also have the confidence to say no too.

Would you describe any of these people as negative, uncooperative or selfish just because on occasions they say no to a request? I would guess not because they've got the balance right. They'll accommodate and help when required and have the confidence to say no to someone when necessary.

So, try to remember - there's nothing negative about saying no. As long as you get the balance right, it's a fallacy to think you'll lose peoples' respect or be seen as negative.

It's easy to get into the habit of saying 'Yes' but, with practice, you can get out of it by taking some simple steps;

• Don't give the person an answer there and then (it may not seem possible but this is possible in 99% of situations - you need to try it to find out).
• Tell the person you need a little time to consider their request. Try to grab as much time as possible. Even a few seconds is better than nothing. An hour or longer is ideal (by then they might have found someone else to do the job anyway). Make sure you tell the person when you will give them an answer.
• During the time you've bought yourself, consider the following; Is this a job I should be doing or is this person just trying to get me to do it because they can't bothered to do it themselves?
• If the request is work related - Does it fall under my role and responsibility? If I say yes, how will doing this extra job affect my other priorities? If I say no, how am I going to tell the person this confidently and sensitively?

These steps should help you to make a balanced decision. You might only need a couple of minutes or less to do this for simple requests. For more complicated requests, try to buy as much time as possible.

Healthy work-life balance

Boost your confidence and self-esteem by having a healthy work-life balance

You'll struggle to stay positive if you don't feel in control and satisfied with your life.

A lot of people who lack self-confidence and self-esteem feel it's selfish to think of themselves. This is just not true; confident people realise that balancing your own wants, needs and aspirations with your responsibility to others is vital.

Even if, on the face of it, you feel satisfied with the balance in your life - try this exercise. Be realistic though - for example; don't kid yourself that you aren't happy because you spend more time at work than you do on holiday!

It's important that you open your mind and think creatively, particularly when you're thinking about yourself and the things you would like to do or achieve. Ask yourself if the balance in your life is right. Try thinking about how much time you spend at work and then consider the other aspects of your life that are or should be important to you. 

This is a personal and private exercise and only you will know what's important to you. It might help to think in terms of -

• Your responsibility to others (work, family etc.)
• Your responsibility to yourself (work, enjoyment, health, hobbies etc.)

Does staying healthy and keeping fit help?

If you're out of shape, there's more chance you'll feel insecure and unattractive. By keeping in reasonable shape, you'll improve your physical appearance and feel more energetic. Of course, this doesn't happen on its own. You'll need to make the effort to achieve it. It's true that there is a direct link between your physical state and your mental state. The healthier you are, the easier it is to maintain a positive mental attitude.

Consider this on two levels -

- Your general health
- Your physical fitness

General health - With the exception of illnesses over which you have no control, everyone should be able to stay healthy. If you're sensible with your diet and keep it balanced, if you ensure your body isn't physically stressed, if you get enough sleep and you get exercise, then you should be able to stay in good general health. If one of these key requirements is missing due to your lifestyle, you should think about making a change - you'll struggle to stay positive otherwise.

It's also important to keep physically fit. Don't worry though, you don't have to be super-fit - you just need to keep your body in trim. This is harder for some people than others due to physique and dietary considerations. BUT - everyone can do it. It just takes self-discipline. You need to find a realistic level of fitness that suits you.

This is worth trying if you haven't tried it already. Of course, 'physical fitness' means different things to different people. Don't worry about other people - don't try to match others unless you feel it would help. Manage your expectations here and do what you feel comfortable with. For one person this could mean walking twenty minutes a day, for another it could mean running for twenty minutes a day.

There are all sorts of fitness regimes you could consider - too many to list here. Do some research on the internet and pick one that suits you. You might also consider joining a gym, perhaps even joining a club. It doesn't have to be a running club it could be any type of sport or perhaps a walking club. Start off slowly and work up, don't challenge yourself too much at the beginning.

Good Luck!

Mike

The 'Eyes' have it ...

How do you feel when someone doesn’t look you in the eye?

 

It’s amazing what people read into poor eye contact. Peoples’ perceptions may differ but they all have one thing in common – they’re all negative, they’re all bad.

Here are some of the comments I get on my confidence building courses – they tell you what people think about people with poor eye contact ….

“They don’t believe in what they say”

“They don’t know what they’re talking about”

“They look shifty and untrustworthy”

“They aren’t interested in the audience”

“They look nervous”

“They look as though they lack self-confidence”

So, what’s your eye contact like? If you’re like most people, you’re probably not sure … so it’s worth finding out.  That’s because it really can make a big difference to the way people perceive you, both socially and at work.

The good news is that it’s not difficult to improve your eye contact – the bad news is that it takes practice and a significant amount of self-discipline. There are simple things you can do;

Have the confidence to take a moment to look the person in the eye just before you speak. You might have to force yourself to do this if you don’t feel comfortable with it – it’s a natural thing to do, there’s nothing odd about it. Looking the person in the eye sends the message that you’re not frightened and you’re in control. It’s also a great way of commanding immediate attention if you’re speaking to a group – take a moment to look around the audience and engage eye contact with some of them. Without even saying anything, you’ll send the message ‘I’m ready and I’m confident.’ They’ll see this and if there’s a hubbub of general conversation going on, they’ll soon stop. If possible, don’t start talking until there’s complete silence.

Then, try to look at people while you’re speaking. If it’s a small group, try to look at each person regularly. Try to find the balance; you shouldn’t hold your eye contact for too long because you’ll make the person feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, you do need to hold it for long enough to make ‘contact’.

I rarely meet people who are naturally good at this. The majority have to work hard at it to get it right. It’s worth it though because, once you’ve cracked it, you’ll see a huge difference in the way people respond to you.

Good eye contact tells the person or group that you’re aware, you know what you’re talking about and you care.

The key to making this work is to prepare yourself. So try to make sure that next time you’re with a person or a group in a situation that matters to you, you remind yourself just before it happens that good eye contact could well be the difference between success and failure.