Just what is 'Charisma' - and how do you get it?

Why is it that some people just seem to stand out? What is it about these people that leads us to describe them as ‘charismatic’? And just what do we mean by that?

In other words … what is ‘charisma’?

It seems to be a bit of an enigma. It’s a concept we struggle to define for two reasons. Firstly, because we tend not to take the time to think about what we mean by it … when we see someone with ‘charisma’, we register it but don’t ask ourselves why we’re thinking it. And secondly, put simply - it’s a genuinely difficult concept to define.

One thing is certain though – we’d all like to have it.

So, how can you get it?

When I ask people to sum up ‘charisma’, I think the words that hit the mark best are ‘personal magnetism’ and ‘charm’. For me, they sum it up nicely; but still, even these words don’t help to explain what a charismatic person is doing to be described as such. For this, we need to dig deeper.

Having studied charismatic people carefully, it seems that they all have certain characteristics in common.

Despite the strong emotions they often induce in others, charismatic individuals project calmness, self-confidence, assertiveness, honesty, authenticity, enthusiasm and, almost always, they have excellent communication skills. These traits are supported by positive body language transmitted through their posture, facial expressions, eye contact and hand movements.

Using positive body language, communicating clearly and confidently and being passionate about your views helps you to command a presence. This draws people to you and makes them want to listen.
It’s impossible to give detailed advice in just one blog about how to be ‘charismatic’ but hopefully I’ve been able to stimulate your thoughts and give you something to reflect on.
Here are a couple more short and sharp tips -

Ø      Be genuine and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. People will respect you for it.

Ø      Think before you speak. Silence is fine when you have nothing to say.

Ø      Treat people with respect and make time to listen to their point of view.

Ø      Smile; charismatic people do this naturally.

Ø      Remember names and use them.

Ø      Show energy and enthusiasm, even when you’re not actually interested or you’re tired.

Ø      Be positive, even when the chips are down.

Ø      Support your message with positive body language. Command a presence.

Ø      Prepare properly; psyche yourself up before you next need to display charisma.

Top tip -

The next time you see someone with ‘charisma’, stop and think for a moment. Watch the person and try to get to the bottom of what they’re doing. I do this every time I see charisma … and it works. Once you know the characteristics, you can strive to copy them in your own behaviour.

Fact - Very few ‘charismatic’ people are naturally charismatic without having to try. The vast majority are just very good actors. They know how to play the part.

How do others perceive you?

How Do Other People Perceive You?

Have you ever thought about how people perceive you? I mean seriously thought about it? It's true that we all wonder what people think of us every now and then. But it's also true that we tend to wonder this through curiosity rather than for any constructive reason.

Getting to the bottom of how people perceive you is one of the essential elements of understanding how you come across to them. Once you know this, you can start to think about adapting your behaviour so that their perception of you is what you want it to be. 

To feel confident and come across assertively, you need to know how you look and sound; you need to know how you come across. You need to know how to control peoples' perceptions of you.

So - Does it really matter what others think of you?

'Who cares what people think of me!' - These might sound like the words of a confident person and to an extent the person is right to think like that. It's true that confident people don't worry as much as others might about what people think of them and how they come across. It's fine to think like this and be independent-minded but it's dangerous to discount other peoples' perceptions of you completely.

People who disregard others' perceptions of them are missing a trick. It really does matter what people think and how they perceive you - but it shouldn't be the be all and end all. The reality of life is that most people can't help but be affected by other peoples' impressions of them and therefore how people react to them. This in fact is a positive thing if considered constructively. 

The important point to remember is that if you can control others' perceptions of you, you can control how they react to you.

 

Consider also that the way other people perceive you may be very different to your self -perception. In fact, it's often the case that your self-perception can differ quite radically to the perception others have of you. In some cases it's quite striking because a person's self-perception is that they lack confidence but the perception of others is that they are confident.

There are numerous personality tests and questionnaires about self-esteem and self-confidence you can complete to help clarify whether your self-perception matches the perception others have of you.

http://www.think-confidence.com/ has 3 free questionnaires; communication style, conflict style and the Reality Check (this is an questionnaire that others complete on you anonymously - you'll have no doubt about whether your self-perception is the same as others' perception of you once they've completed the Reality Check).

Good Luck! It would be great to find out how you get on ...

Mike

It's all in the smile

It’s amazing what a difference a smile can make. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. Well, it’s true, very true; and it can make a huge difference to the way you feel, particularly when you’re under pressure or lacking confidence. The trouble is, some people smile naturally and some don't. How about you?

It might sound daft but it’s also true that you get the same benefits when you actually force yourself to smile as you do when you smile naturally. 

Studies have proved that facial expressions linked to an emotion trigger changes in your body that are similar to those that happen when you experience the actual emotion.

So, if you’re a naturally smiley and happy person, don’t change … and if you’re not, it is worth making the effort to smile more.

But WHY? What are the real benefits of smiling?

Your mood improves

It’s a fact that the physical act of smiling improves your mood and the way you feel. Smiling actually makes you feel happier. Even a ‘fake’ smile will do this. That’s because your brain can’t tell the difference between a posed smile and a genuine smile. If you don’t believe me – try it and you’ll see what I mean.

You feel less stressed

Smiling can stop stress from increasing and can actually help to reduce it. The act of smiling starts a chain reaction; it causes your brain to stimulate your body to release endorphins and serotonin. These help to combat feelings of stress and to make you feel calmer and more in control. One obvious sign of this can be a reduction in your pulse rate. Try taking your pulse before and after smiling for a few moments and you’ll see what I mean.

Your immune system is boosted

People who smile naturally and regularly tend to be more optimistic in their approach to life. Some researchers even believe that this can lead to a stronger immune system and an ability to fight off illness better than pessimists.

Christopher Peterson, Ph.D, a University of Michigan professor who’s been studying optimism’s link to health for over two decades, firmly believes that the research is very clear. There is a link between optimistic attitudes and good health. In studies he found that optimistic people are healthier because their biological makeup is different. As a direct result, they have a more robust immune system.

You look more confident and in control

We tend not to smile when we feel uncomfortable or under pressure … people notice this and draw their own conclusions. If two people are giving a presentation and one smiles regularly but not the other, it’s more likely that you’ll perceive the smiler to be the more confident of the two. That’s a fact. So if you want to give the very best confident impression in a meeting or during a presentation, make sure you smile.

Smiling not only benefits you in these ways, but it also benefits those around you.

People instinctively react to seeing a smile by smiling themselves. Watch people interacting and you’ll see this happening. So if you want to inject some positivety into a group situation or meeting, try smiling more while you’re speaking. Feeling good is infectious, so smile more and others will catch it.

Mike

Can you think on your feet?

Giving yourself time is always going to help if someone puts you on the spot. However, the reality is that, on some occasions, no matter how hard you try, you have no choice but to answer there and then.

Self-confidence is key when learning to think on your feet. Build that confidence by following these simple rules;

Knowledge - If you're going to give a reply, make sure you know what you're talking about! That doesn't mean you have to be an expert, you just have to know enough to give a qualified answer. If you're reasonably confident in your knowledge of the subject, that confidence will help you to stay calm and in control even if you unexpectedly find yourself being put on the spot.

Never guess the answer - If you don't know the answer, be honest and say so. Even experts in their field are stumped by a question sometimes. Don't try to make an answer up. There's a good chance you'll get caught out and this could seriously impact on your self-confidence later. Confidently explain that you don't know the answer and make sure you agree a time when you can contact the person subsequently to provide the answer.

Try to relax - it's easy to say but perhaps not so easy to do. At least if you try to relax, you've got a chance. If you don't, you'll look and feel more stressed. You'll have more control of your voice, you'll feel calmer and you'll be able to think more clearly. Taking deep breaths while the person is asking you the question can also really help here.

Listen carefully - listening properly and attentively requires an effort. Some people forget this. You should be trying as hard when you're listening as you are when you're talking. It's obvious that you'll struggle to think on your feet if you aren't listening properly to the question. 

Don't interrupt the person; firstly because it's rude and secondly because, if you reply too soon, you may well give a wrong or inappropriate answer.

Ask the person to repeat the question - This gives you those vital few seconds to think about your response. Try to be confident when you do this. Don't let your body language give away the fact that you're unsure of the answer. If your body language is positive and confident, the person will 'read' your request positively, i.e. they'll have the perception that you want to help by making sure you understand the question properly.

Repeat the question yourself (out loud) - This gives you time to think and to clarify exactly what's being asked. Sometimes the person will reply and clarify their question after you've repeated it - that creates even more time for you. If you don't feel that the question is clear, have the confidence to ask for clarification. Again, if you do this confidently, it will be received positively because the person sees that you genuinely want to give a qualified answer.

Pause - Don't be afraid to pause before you answer. People who lack confidence really struggle to cope with silence. They feel exposed and their natural defence is to fill it - normally without thinking about how they're filling it. Then, before they know it, they've said something they wished they hadn't. Confident people can use silence to their advantage. If you think about it - it's totally understandable that you should think about your answer before you give it; so a short silence shouldn't be unusual. If you look comfortable with silence and use it confidently, you'll send the message that you're in control of your thoughts and confident in your ability to answer. Critically of course, you also create more time to think.

Don't waffle - Once you understand the question clearly, make sure you stick to the point. Your answer should be specific and focused. If you're perceived as a waffler, the person may well start to lose interest - once you see this happening, your self-confidence is going to suffer. When you've finished giving your answer, resist the temptation to add more information. There may well be a silence after you've finished. Don't make the common mistake of feeling the onus is on you to fill it with more information! You'll lose control of the conversation if your answer starts to drift.

So, in summary; don't jump in and give a knee-jerk reaction when someone puts you on the spot. Act calmly and take your time before you answer. There's nothing wrong with saying you don't know, as long as you go back to them with an answer later.

Good Luck!
Mike

Do you sometimes feel inferior to others?

I find that one of the main reasons people feel inferior and lack self-confidence is that they see around them a completely different world to the real one. They see the world as a place where everyone else is superior to them. They make the assumption that other people have more authority than them and that others' rights prevail above theirs.

It may well be the case that some people are more 'senior' to you in terms of position or rank. However, this does not mean that they are 'superior' to you in the sense that their rights and needs are more important.

Confident people don't think like this - they treat everyone the same, regardless of rank or seniority. Of course, they show the appropriate degree of respect to seniors but they don't change their behaviour. People who feel inferior tend to lose sight of this. They forget that senior people have no 'rights' over you, even though, particularly in a work environment, they may have a degree of 'power' over you in terms of your role and responsibilities.

So, try to remember that you are on a par with everyone else. Be professional and polite and try to treat everyone the same. Approach a senior person with the confidence you would approach a peer.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're thinking that's easier said than done - After all, it's natural to feel a little daunted by the prospect of treating people who are senior to you as equals. It's actually not that difficult - but it does require mental preparation. 

The following exercise should help -

Try to think forward to the next time you might find yourself working or socialising with a group of people, some of whom are senior in some respect to you. Prepare yourself to treat them differently to the way you might normally; whereas you used to treat them according to your perception of their authority in relation to you, now you will treat each of them as an equal. You will do this for everyone, even the people who are more 'senior' to you in terms of position. Don't worry; this won't be a problem as long as you're polite and respectful at all times.

You'll need to prepare before it happens though. Spend a few minutes on your own thinking about your approach; try to psyche yourself up, just like you would before a sporting match or competition. See it as a challenge.

You'll be amazed at how this simple concept can transform your sense of inferiority into a feeling of equality. You'll also be pleasantly surprised at the more positive way people respond to you, even the more senior people, perhaps even the top dogs!



In another situation I've experienced, the inferiority issue was ugliness. I was coaching a person who thought she was ugly. Over the years, more and more, she'd managed to convince herself that she was ugly. Because she was so set in her mind regarding her self-perception, she then made the assumption that peoples' behaviour towards her always suggested that they thought she was ugly (when in fact they weren't thinking anything of the kind).

The ridiculous thing was that to me, she seemed very attractive! I had to be careful how I told her this though!

Good Luck!
Have a good week.
Mike

Are you a "Yes" person or can you say "No!"

The key to saying no is to be able to say no without saying no! Believe it or not it is possible to say no without actually saying no. People who are good at saying no can do it without feeling guilty. They don't let their heart rule their mind.

People who lack self-confidence find themselves continually under pressure because they accommodate others and say yes whenever a request is made of them. They might be lovely helpful people but the bottom line is that they can be terribly inefficient simply because they just can't say no to someone. The difficulty is that once you're seen by others as a 'Yes person', you become a magnet for them. They'll turn to you first when they need something done. You then end up doing other peoples' jobs, not your own, simply because you couldn't say no.

Think of people you know who have the confidence to say no when appropriate. The term 'when appropriate' is important here - you're thinking of people who have achieved the right balance i.e. people who say yes when they think it's right to do so, but also have the confidence to say no too.

Would you describe any of these people as negative, uncooperative or selfish just because on occasions they say no to a request? I would guess not because they've got the balance right. They'll accommodate and help when required and have the confidence to say no to someone when necessary.

So, try to remember - there's nothing negative about saying no. As long as you get the balance right, it's a fallacy to think you'll lose peoples' respect or be seen as negative.

It's easy to get into the habit of saying 'Yes' but, with practice, you can get out of it by taking some simple steps;

• Don't give the person an answer there and then (it may not seem possible but this is possible in 99% of situations - you need to try it to find out).
• Tell the person you need a little time to consider their request. Try to grab as much time as possible. Even a few seconds is better than nothing. An hour or longer is ideal (by then they might have found someone else to do the job anyway). Make sure you tell the person when you will give them an answer.
• During the time you've bought yourself, consider the following; Is this a job I should be doing or is this person just trying to get me to do it because they can't bothered to do it themselves?
• If the request is work related - Does it fall under my role and responsibility? If I say yes, how will doing this extra job affect my other priorities? If I say no, how am I going to tell the person this confidently and sensitively?

These steps should help you to make a balanced decision. You might only need a couple of minutes or less to do this for simple requests. For more complicated requests, try to buy as much time as possible.

Healthy work-life balance

Boost your confidence and self-esteem by having a healthy work-life balance

You'll struggle to stay positive if you don't feel in control and satisfied with your life.

A lot of people who lack self-confidence and self-esteem feel it's selfish to think of themselves. This is just not true; confident people realise that balancing your own wants, needs and aspirations with your responsibility to others is vital.

Even if, on the face of it, you feel satisfied with the balance in your life - try this exercise. Be realistic though - for example; don't kid yourself that you aren't happy because you spend more time at work than you do on holiday!

It's important that you open your mind and think creatively, particularly when you're thinking about yourself and the things you would like to do or achieve. Ask yourself if the balance in your life is right. Try thinking about how much time you spend at work and then consider the other aspects of your life that are or should be important to you. 

This is a personal and private exercise and only you will know what's important to you. It might help to think in terms of -

• Your responsibility to others (work, family etc.)
• Your responsibility to yourself (work, enjoyment, health, hobbies etc.)

Does staying healthy and keeping fit help?

If you're out of shape, there's more chance you'll feel insecure and unattractive. By keeping in reasonable shape, you'll improve your physical appearance and feel more energetic. Of course, this doesn't happen on its own. You'll need to make the effort to achieve it. It's true that there is a direct link between your physical state and your mental state. The healthier you are, the easier it is to maintain a positive mental attitude.

Consider this on two levels -

- Your general health
- Your physical fitness

General health - With the exception of illnesses over which you have no control, everyone should be able to stay healthy. If you're sensible with your diet and keep it balanced, if you ensure your body isn't physically stressed, if you get enough sleep and you get exercise, then you should be able to stay in good general health. If one of these key requirements is missing due to your lifestyle, you should think about making a change - you'll struggle to stay positive otherwise.

It's also important to keep physically fit. Don't worry though, you don't have to be super-fit - you just need to keep your body in trim. This is harder for some people than others due to physique and dietary considerations. BUT - everyone can do it. It just takes self-discipline. You need to find a realistic level of fitness that suits you.

This is worth trying if you haven't tried it already. Of course, 'physical fitness' means different things to different people. Don't worry about other people - don't try to match others unless you feel it would help. Manage your expectations here and do what you feel comfortable with. For one person this could mean walking twenty minutes a day, for another it could mean running for twenty minutes a day.

There are all sorts of fitness regimes you could consider - too many to list here. Do some research on the internet and pick one that suits you. You might also consider joining a gym, perhaps even joining a club. It doesn't have to be a running club it could be any type of sport or perhaps a walking club. Start off slowly and work up, don't challenge yourself too much at the beginning.

Good Luck!

Mike